Thursday, June 9, 2011

Peace and Chaos

I have a hard time staying focused. It's true. Anyone who's ever talked to me knows this. I sometimes get distracted and you might as well be talking to a wall because I didn't hear what you say. I'm sorry if this has happened to you. I'm working on it. I promise.

The thing is, there are certain things I've always been able to zero in on. They're usually solitary pursuits. Running. Reading. Writing sermons. Even cleaning is easy for me. If I'm alone and I recognize something needs to get done, I can do it pretty efficiently, until recently.

You all know this, but this year has been filled with euphoric highs and devastating lows.

We left to get Lucy, YAY!!!!!
We had to come back without her, oh crap.

It could be just a few weeks, YAY!!!!!
It's been four months, oh crap.

We're going to have a second child, YAY!!!!!!
We're going to have a second child, oh crap.

Throughout all this, one of the things that has been hardest for me has been the few areas of my life where I've always maintained focus have just spilled out everywhere.I constantly feel like I'm trying to reign in 1000 marbles on a glass table. This became evident to me this week when I looked at the calendar and realized I had scheduled myself to be in two places at one time. This is the second time I've done this in a month. When I realized what I had done, I got super depressed. I felt guilty. I felt like a failure. These probably seem like extreme reactions, and they probably are, but when you suddenly find yourself struggling with things that used to come naturally to you, it's unsettling. It's especially frightening when I realize I'm feeling all of these things before my children even arrive.

We feel like we are as ready as we're ever going to be for this new phase of life. It looks like it won't be long before this new phase of life happens, and that's good news. I'm sure when it comes there are days I'll be pining for life before children, but I'm ready for a progression. There are all types of emotions that come with waiting for something you've been longing for. Anticipation and fear and excitement for the unknown can sometimes paralyze you. That's what I think I'm feeling right now. I feel paralyzed and limited because at any moment my reality could change. It's like asking an 8 year old to act normal on Christmas Eve. I'm clearly incapable of going about business as usual.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you group the anticipation of what's to come along with the constant good news/bad news of this year, I can't do anything but get on my knees and pray to God. I keep hearing him say his grace is sufficient. I've read that passage over and over before, but I'm just now knowing what it means. Before I can be ok with having children, I have to understand that Jesus is all I need. He is going to make these things happen, but it all belongs to him. My daughter is not my own, she's his. Our high school students don't belong to me, they belong to him. My wife and family and house don't belong to me. They're his. Christ really is all that you need.

Sometimes the most worthwhile lessons are the hardest to learn.



Anonymous said...

I think it's great Russ that you wrote on her. I guess with Anna away really gave you time for some deep thinking. I love you all and are praying for you.

Natalie P.

Anonymous said...

That should have said here. Not her :)


Anonymous said...

I'm sure I missed something, but... You're having a second child?