January 27th was a Thursday. After saying goodbye to friends, and praying with mountains of people, we boarded a plane. It was to be a long trip, possibly two months, but we would return with our adopted daughter. There was a chance we would have to return without her. There was a chance we would have to make two trips. That didn't matter. We were sure that God would provide us a way to come home with her. It was his calling for the Polsgrove family.
It didn't work out that way. Most of you know, so I'll spare you the details. The bottom line is, due to some issues beyond our control, we're still waiting. When we came home, we thought we would only be home for three or four weeks before we returned. It's been over a month and even though we hear rumors, there's no way for us to know when we will be going back to get her.
People have been great. They've been encouraging and loving and supportive through every step. Joys and pains have all been shared with our friends and family. The one question we seem to get all the time is "How are you"? That's a hard question to answer. The most common response is "we're okay", which is actually probably a lie. I guess the answer is "most of the time we're great, but other times it feels like being kicked in the chest repeatedly."
I've gone through a wide range of emotions since we got home. Sad to leave her. Glad to be in a familiar place. Confused why we're delayed. Thankful for what we have.
The truth is, we stepped out in faith asking God to do something that was highly improbable if not impossible. He didn't do what we thought he would. In fact, on the surface it seems he didn't do anything. I thought that would rock my faith. I even thought it might make me doubt if he was even real. That hasn't happened. This has really opened up the most honest conversations I've had with God in my entire life, and I've been more assured of his presence because of it.
I am absolutely confused. I am fine one second, impatient the next. There are even times of searing anger towards him. I've been so angry that I wondered if other christian's opinions of me would change if they knew about it. All these things have resulted in me having honest conversations with God. I've been able to celebrate when he moves in other areas of my life, and man he has moved in other areas of my life.
The last time I posted, I was excited about going to get the baby girl. I also said that any semblance of control is an illusion. I had no idea how true that statement was. Although it's been painful, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know how much I screw up things when I start to take the reigns. God will bring her home to be with us, I have no doubt. With each conversation and question and prayer, God is asking me to lean on him more, rely on his grace, breathe deep while he does the work.
This is a hard thing, but if I'm going to say "Jesus is the most important thing in my life", I need to mean it. If it's not put to the test once in a while, I can't really mean it. So I'll wait. It's not always easy, but I have a feeling it's going to be worth it.